I feel really silly saying this, but I’m scared of anal play. I don’t hate it, but it’s rare that I’m the first to suggest it. It feels like I should love anal play, as someone with a keen interest in sex and who considers themself a sex blogger. Or at the very least, I feel like it shouldn’t scare me like it does. In the abstract, of course, I have no problem with anal play. I’ve been interested in long-term wear butt plugs ever since I started thinking about sex toys. I can watch anal scenes in porn, read about anal sex, talk about anal sex, but when it comes time for me to actually get up close and personal with an ass, I practically run away. It just seems like some old-timey hangup, or that I’m not sex-positive enough for not champing at the bit to fuck or be fucked in the butt. Erika Moen’s lovely comic “Requirements of Being Sex Positive” helped me realise that it’s ok not to love certain sexual practices and still call yourself sex-positive. Kate Sloan’s “fuck that” in episode 9 of The Dildorks podcast (“Enthusiasstic”) followed a similar line of thought. She talks about how she wrote a tweet that wasn’t well thought out, about a sex partner who wasn’t into receiving anal sex. The culmination of the discussion is that it’s not fair to make assumptions about someone’s relationship with a sexual act because of their sexual politics, and vice versa. This helps alleviate the shame I feel about not champing at the bit for anal sex, but it doesn’t address the underlying problem.
Most, if not all, of this anxiety stems from my OCD and the contamination fears that are a part of that. I have some other compulsions that affect my every day life, but when it comes to sex, it’s my contamination fears that screw me over. It manifests in two ways, in that I’m just terrified of being exposed to butt germs, and I hate stickiness. With stickiness, I just have to wash my hands of lube and I’m ok, but contamination fears are more persistent. The thing about contamination fears is that they aren’t logical, at all. I know, logically, that I am mostly safe from infection if I use gloves and condoms and the like, but I still obsess over the possibility of getting contaminated. It isn’t even that I am worried that I’ll get sick, I’m just disgusted by the thought of being in contact with bacteria in the abstract. Even if I’m wearing a glove, and I take the glove off as soon as I move on to the next activity, I’m still stressed about bacteria. I’ll avoid using that hand if possible, and if I touch that hand to another body part, like my thigh, that part will be contaminated and I will have to shower more thoroughly than I would otherwise. Even thinking about anal play will give me hand-washing compulsions. This doesn’t transfer into other types of play, though. I’m inconsistent with cleaning my toys, which doesn’t bother me. I have a passing interest in piss play, and I absolutely adore blood play, but I don’t get contamination fears from those. Obviously I’m not taking unnecessary risks, especially when I’m doing blood play, but I’m not obsessively thinking about how I’m going to get sick and die.
I want to get over this. It’s not like a practice or a kink that I’m not into, which I can just avoid. I actually want to do butt stuff, it just makes me anxious. For my girlfriend, it is a really important thing for affirming her gender during sex. Plus, she gets a lot of physical pleasure out of it and reacts in a way that she doesn’t to other stimulation. I want to make her feel good because I am otherwise, in my opinion, a bit of a pillow prince. Personally, I just really love strapping it on, and it seems silly to limit my opportunities to do so because of a hang up around anal sex. While I don’t have any genital dysphoria and I love bottoming, it can be really nice to top. There’s something exciting about looking down and seeing a physical manifestation of my sexual intent sitting between my legs. Plus, it’s a good excuse to show off my growing dildo collection. In the abstract, I should love anal sex, but the second I get a glove on my hand, I start to feel faint. I know this is illogical, and overall, my biggest motivator isn’t the promise of pleasure, but my desire to overcome a symptom of my OCD.
I was browsing Max Black in October, with the intention of buying the Fun Factory Big Boss. On a whim, I also grabbed the Fun Factory Bootie. I’d always intended to buy a butt plug, and since I didn’t have to actually have my finger inside an ass to use it, it seemed like a good cheat code for anal play. I showed it to my girlfriend when I got to her place, and upon seeing it, she remarked “I already have a butt plug.” I clarified that this one was for me, and she seemed a little surprised, but not put off. It sat on the bedside table for a few hours while we caught up on TV shows and ate dinner, but later that night, I was intent on taking my new toys for a spin. My girlfriend fingered my front hole for a little while, before someone (I can’t remember which one of us) asked if she could finger my ass. She put on a glove, and slowly eased a finger in. It felt odd at first, but not unappealing. I eventually began to feel the tingling that usually accompanies vaginal penetration without external stimulation. My girlfriend worked me up to two fingers, and was thrusting pretty hard, which I was really enjoying. I was too busy feeling the sensations to worry about germs or bacteria, and when it was over, everything was as clean as it could be. I consider it my best sexual experience of 2016. Since then, I have worn the butt plug on more than one occasion, for a few hours at a time. I am growing to enjoy anal stimulation for myself more and more.
I’ve fucked my girlfriend since she fingered me in the ass, and I’m far from free of my anxieties. I still need to use multiple gloves and wash my hands thoroughly afterwards, but I don’t balk at the idea as frequently as before. Having that concrete memory of what anal stimulation feels like really helps me relax into it, even if I’m not the one being penetrated. I just need to think about how well that last time went, and how clean and relaxed I felt, and I can work through my anxious thoughts. I’m not by any means saying “if you don’t like something, all you have to do is try it yourself”, but I am saying that rewriting some of your anxious thoughts can be helpful, especially when the new thoughts are reinforced by orgasms or the like. I’m not at the end of my journey with anal sex, but I feel like I at least have a solid path to walk on.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a butt plug to play with!